Clandestine
by lovely aldebaran
Summary: Lyude runs from his past into what he hopes to be a better future... lyudexladekahn
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Baten Kaitos or any of its characters.

Chapter 1: The Past

It had been months after the ocean was restored when Lyude finally found a place he could live. Despite the cancellation of his exile from Mintaka, he found that he wasn't welcome there. Many of the people did not understand what had really gone on; they still saw him as a traitor to the empire. And that was true, he supposed. No matter how wrong Emperor Geldoblame had been in his mission, Lyude had still stood up to him and betrayed his own people. Any thoughts of ruling the empire himself had dissipated with the realization that he was not going to be understood by his people.

Those had been lonely months. Even though he stayed with Kalas, Savyna, and even his brother and sister for a short time, he knew he wasn't exactly welcome. Kalas had a blooming relationship with a cute girl, Savyna was used to being on her own and his brother and sister despised and hated him. They made this known the few days Lyude was with them. Skeed was especially cunning in making his hatred felt. Whispering seemingly sweet words with a tone of sorrow into Lyude's perceptive ear. Twisting and bending those words into hurt. Skeed made sure guilt had settled into Lyude's soul before he entered the room that last night.

Lyude was in bed when he heard the door to his room swing open, when he heard Skeed's soft, even steps to the side of the bed. He felt the mattress dip in back of him with Skeed's weight. He smelled the smoke and mint from Skeed's skin and hair. The smell was earthy and natural, totally opposite from Skeed himself. He felt the weight on the mattress shift as Skeed lay down behind him, almost touching. He felt Skeed's cold fingers glide up his bare back, his shoulder, his jaw and his cheek. He felt Skeed's breath on his neck. "It's cold tonight, isn't it? Ah, but it must be nothing compared to what you are feeling. I hope you don't think I want you here, little brother. Even if your skin is so soft against mine, you are rough inside." Lyude felt Skeed sigh against his neck, felt his cold arm wrap around his waist and pull him close. "You have caused me so much trouble. I have done so much for you. And yet you haven't given me anything in return. How selfish," Skeed hissed. "I know what you can give me. I know what I can take." Skeed drew formless shapes on the skin of Lyude's stomach, on the dip between his hips. "Take out your wings. I want to see them." Skeed sat up, forcing Lyude up with him. Lyude was shaking now. He was dizzy with fear. So he did what his brother asked.

Lyude's wings were almost luminescent in the darkness as he hesitatingly infolded them, turning to face his brother. He was ashamed of his wings. He felt exposed and vulnerable. Somehow he wanted to, though. He was afraid. So he wanted to get lost in the darkness.

Skeed didn't see any of these emotions pass slowly over his brother's face. He waited, not breathing, watching. He reached out and plucked a feather, the hiss of pain gratification. He brushed the feather across his face, then Lyude's. Across his lips, his eyes, his brow, his cheek. Intensity of wonder changed to anger. "Aren't you an angel? Your wings are ugly as your soul." Blood dripped from the wing, onto the bed and into the mattress. Staining.

Skeed forced Lyude onto his back, one wing twisted and crushed under the weight. He stared into the shocked eyes below him. Skeed's breath came quicker now as the excitement rose within him. "Didn't you expect this?" Lyude began to shake more violently. Skeed plucked another feather, this one bloodied. He trailed it down Lyude's stomach. Then another feather. Tears welled up in Lyude's eyes as his feathers were torn out and thrown to the ground. Skeed was enjoying himself. "Is this punishment enough? I won't stop until they're all gone." Lyude moaned in pain, surprising Skeed. Making him pull each feather faster. Making him pull handfuls of feathers out of the already disfigured wing. But it wasn't enough, Skeed wasn't done. There was still something Lyude had that he was going to take.

Lyude stopped himself from remembering further his misery. Now, he was on his way to Diadem. Hopefully he could stay at Nashira for a while, somewhere he wouldn't know anyone. Somewhere he could hide.

He looked outside, and down at the ocean. It was strange to see it there, blue and glistening in the sunlight. Something so huge so suddenly appearing bothered Lyude. He couldn't quite adjust to the salt smell. "Hello, your Lyude, right?" Lyude turned to face a young boy, but didn't recognize him.

"Yes, but… I can't seem to remember you. Excuse my forgetfulness, but who are you?"

"You and your friends saved me from drowning in the river, remember? Thank you so much. I wouldn't be here without your help." The kid smiled. "Well, we're docking now, so I should go. See you around!" He smiled and ran off to his mother and younger brother. Lyude already felt better about coming to Nashira.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Lyude stepped off the boat and decided he would buy some salve for his wing. He ached inside, and while he didn't usually trust medicine of any kind, he thought he could make an exception just this once. He walked through the familiar streets, recognizing comforting sights and smells, happy memories of his adventure with Kalas and the others coming back to him. There was Anna's bar, where they had escaped from the imperial soldiers. "I'll have to stop by to say hi later." Lyude meant to ask after Gibari too. He stepped inside the little shop, bought what he needed and strolled to the bar. Some recognized him, and smiled, while some of the elderly gave him suspicious glances. They only remembered he was from the empire, not any of the times he had helped them. Still, he felt guilty for what his people had done to cause pain to so many people.

As he walked into the bar, Lyude saw Gibari flirting with Anna across the counter. The dark, smoky, but homey atmosphere made Lyude feel at home. "Gibari! Anna!" He was filled with sudden joy to see his friends. He seemed years younger as he bounced over to get caught up in a bear hug.

"Lyude! I've missed you!" Gibari lifted the smaller boy off the ground in his excitement, but sheepishly put Lyude down again when he realized how many people were watching.

"Gibari, keep it down. It's been too long, Lyude!" Anna said with a smile.

"It has, hasn't it. I missed you too, Gibari."

They sat down and talked for hours, catching up on the few months they hadn't seen each other. Lyude enjoyed listening and Gibari just loved talking, especially about himself. He didn't usually drink, but with the all-mighty influence of Gibari, Lyude let go and had one beer, and then another. And another. He ended up telling Gibari what had happened to him, how he had wandered. And when it came to seeing his brother and sister, tears welled up easily in his ruby eyes, uninhibited by his usual shyness. "Heey, Lyude. Don't worry. I'm here to protect you from the bastards. Let's go home. You should stay with me tonight." Lyude nodded, unable to speak without letting more tears fall.

Lyude woke up to the cry of cloudgulls outside the window. He had a pounding headache and felt queasy. He moaned and rolled over before realizing where he must be. "Gibari?"

"Hey there, sleepy head. You had way too much to drink last night." Lyude moaned again. He couldn't really remember what had happened. "Anyway, its time for breakfast. Get up and get washed!" Gibari's bright attitude magnified the headache. Gibari loved playing mother, it seemed. Almarde had always been up early in the morning, and always had breakfast ready by the time Lyude was up. He missed his nurse. "Lyude?"

"I'm up. Where's the bathroom?" He made his way to the bathroom and turned on steaming hot water, climbing inside. It felt good to be clean, so Lyude spent time scrubbing every inch of his body. He found the salve in his clothes from the other day, and gingerly put it on his wings. It stung, but was comforting nevertheless. He found a towel and rushed back to his room with a pink tinge on his cheek. He was embarrassed to know anyone had seen his body… it was so used and broken.

Safely inside the room, he found pants and a tank top Gibari had put out for him. Lyude almost laughed out loud when he saw the clothes. "Hey Gibari! Where did you get these clothes? They look like something out of the last century!" Lyude quickly put them on and walked out into the small kitchen to see the meager breakfast Gibari had tried so hard to prepare. He looked quite proud of his work, in fact.

"A feast for Kings! Eat as much as you can." The two enjoyed a brotherly breakfast. It was the first time he had had a real home-made breakfast in forever. The warm, fuzzy feeling he got seemed suddenly empty when he looked back at his former life. He didn't feel like he deserved these happy feelings. Like he couldn't be rude by accepting them.

"Lyude, what's with that face? Why so down? I worked hard on all of this you know…" and the crestfallen look on Gibari's face almost broke his weak heart.

"I just haven't seen anything this great since… I can't even remember." Lyude smiled. A grin returned to Gibari's face, etched smile lines becoming deeper with his happiness. Relief flooded through Lyude.

"So, Lyude. I have something to tell you. I'm going to travel. The little adventure we had awoke a need for travel. I was going to leave later today, but I can stay if you want me to." Gibari's tone had turned serious.

"No, I could never hold you back from doing that. Do you want me to help you pack?" Gibari started cleaning up the dishes.

"No, that's okay. I actually finished that yesterday, after you passed out." Gibari grinned. Lyude blanched. "Oh, and by the way, it would help if you could watch my place while I'm gone. You know, as a kind of favor." Lyude's face lit up as quickly as it had dropped earlier.

"Could I really? I'd love to!" Gibari smiled.

"In that case, you'll have to see me off too."

Later that day, Gibari and Lyude made their way down to the docks. Gibari was going to head to Sadal Suud first, then Anuenue, and then to Mira. Lyude thought he was crazy for only bringing one bag with what Gibari said contained everything he would need. It seemed doubtful at the least. "Take care of Anna for me. You know I can't trust Reblys to do that for me." Lyude nodded. It was an emotional parting. Lyude almost cried—but held the tears back. He was a man, after all. And his father always told him real mean don't cry. He couldn't ever remember his elder brother crying.

Lyude strolled back to the little house he had to stay in. On the way back he saw some beautiful flowers, which he decided he just had to buy. There were still a few hours till dark. Absentmindedly, he made his way down to the lesser celestial river, picking his way through the stony, slippery bank to sit by the slowly running water. He sighed and took off his shoes, letting the water swirl around his feet, creating tiny eddies. The cool air allowed him to think clearly about his current situation. He supposed he could just stay here for a while, until he found some direction. That was tempting. It was peaceful here, life was slow, and he wanted to settle down a little. And really, Diadem was the perfect place to do this. He was away from his past, and everyone in it, especially in Nashira. That would be the last place anyone would look for him.

The sound of sliding stones snapped Lyude out of his morose thoughts. He looked up, automatically trying to make himself smaller against the riverbank. Across the river, a tall figure with long draping hair knelt down by the water, completely unaware of Lyude's presence. He was singing an obscure lullaby, lost in his thoughts. Lyude felt like he was intruding somehow, like he was unwelcome in this personal moment. He stood slowly, and took one step backward, then another, attempting to sneak away without being seen. Turning to leave, Lyude slipped and fell, making a huge racket in the process. By the time he had looked to see how the figure across the water had reacted, they were already wading through the shallows. Towards him. Lyude went through shock, amazement, fear, and wonder in quick succession. The person seemed somehow familiar realized Lyude as he sat paralyzed in place, watching the figure make its way over to him.

"Are you alright? I saw you fall from the other side of the river." The melodious voice was deep and cool. Lyude still couldn't recognize the shadowed face. The sound of his voice made Lyude even more curious—he was not sure he had met this person before.

Lyude continued to stare up at his face until he, a few moments too late, realized he was expected to answer. "Ah, yes, I'm alright. Thank you." In a feeble attempt to save grace, he stood and almost immediately toppled over. The man caught him and held him up. "I… I can't walk…"

"Yes, I can see that," the man chuckled elegantly. "Let me help you home. Do you live in Nashira?"

"Yes, thank you. Are you sure it isn't too much trouble?"

"Not at all." Lyude recognized how the man fell into a court manner of speech. It was smooth and easy, something he used everyday. Lyude wondered where he came from, and why he was here. It was obvious he wasn't from a village, or even from a town. "Here we go." The man secured one arm around Lyude's waist, and let Lyude hold onto his other hand for balance. The two made an odd sight, limping along the path back to the little village.

When they finally reached Gibari's house, Lyude was reluctant to let this mysterious man go. He had regained some balance and was able to walk on his own most of the time, although he didn't mind using his ankle as an excuse to lean on his savior. It dawned on Lyude that that was how he thought of this man—as his savior. But it still wasn't enough to ask the man to help him inside. "Thank you for helping me home."

"Of course. I enjoyed talking to you. Are you sure you'll be able to get inside alright?" it seemed the stranger was reluctant to say goodbye too.

"I… I think so." Lyude looked up into the man's face, still hidden in the darkness. He realized how late it was, and how long it must have taken to walk back home. And then he realized he has once again taken to long a pause to stare.

"Well. Goodnight then." Was Lyude imagining it, or was this stranger's voice tinged with regret?

"Goodnight." As the man broke physical contact, Lyude felt like he had lost something. He had lost the warmth. That feeling grew while he watched his savior quickly walk away.

Please review… I really appreciate it!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Btw, I love reviews. It makes me a better writer! So please, if you have anything to say, tell me :D

Chapter 3

Lyude awoke again to the cry of cloudgulls and gentle breeze. The morning sun shone through the light curtains on the window, making whimsical patterns on the opposite wall.

He had had the same dream again, the fourth night in a row. And he remembered it perfectly. The dream started out in a castle. Not a dingy, damp, dank castle, but one in which the passages were well and often used. All the windows were open, and the sun shone in through painted glass to make beautiful patterns on whatever happened to be behind the window. In the beginning of the dream, Lyude always felt a presence behind him as he was walking through the corridors. He turned to face the stranger from that night on the lesser celestial river, except in the dream, he had the face of the King of Diadem. Which made sense; he was in a castle after all. The King would smile and take his hand, and every time Lyude would become so happy his wings of the heart came out and opened. At this point, the dream turned into a nightmare. The King looked at his wings in disgust and horror, and would pull his hand away from Lyude's. But oozing, sticking to his hand was a trail of black slime. Horror turned to terror and the King turned and fled. Lyude always tried to chase him, but guards came out of the light to stop him. They grabbed him and forced him to stop, no matter how hard he would struggle. Their grasp was light, did not hurt, but was tough as steel. From some dark corner of the room, Skeed would appear. The guards threw Lyude to his brother's feet. And Skeed would tenderly help Lyude up, smiling, and whisper to him what a good job he had done. This part confused Lyude the most. His brother had never been kind or caring, and especially enjoyed directing his sadist nature toward Lyude. Here the King would appear again, his face beautiful even with that wounded expression.

Lyude sat up and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the edge of the sheet. He stood and took a shower, washing away the dream from his conscious memory again. Today he would go to the local open air market. Gibari had left the house poorly stocked with food; what was left was mostly canned food or dried fish neither of which Lyude had a taste for.

The market was larger and busier than Lyude had imagined it would be. Farmers from inland came down to sell their fresh produce. Fishermen laid out the fish caught early that morning. Women sold brightly colored scarves and blankets. The bustling homeliness felt foreign but comforting to Lyude. He hadn't had the chance to experience these types of things in his childhood.

Unfortunately, this led the salespeople to inflate their prices especially for him. Lyude stuck out like a sore thumb with his bright hair and polite manner. He was busy negotiating the price of mountain apples when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Ambassador Lyude?" a middle aged man in a servers outfit addressed him with his old title. One that must not apply any longer.

"Ah, yes?"

"I am here with a message from the castle. The news of your return has just reached us, and we insist you board at the castle."

"I appreciate the offer, but I have a very suitable lodging here, thank you." Lyude was put off balance by the man's offer and use of his title. Before he had joined Kalas, they had not offered to let him stay in the castle.

"Oh? And where might that be?" The man was impatient and uncouth. "No matter, we prefer you stay at the castle. We will have your clothes and bags picked up and brought to your new lodging. Come along now." The man was ordering instead of offering now. Lyude wondered what strange political development had taken place to have this effect. There was no point in resisting anyway. Away from his own island, especially since they thought he was an ambassador still, it would be best to cooperate. Lyude let himself be led to the castle. The way was long and tiring, and the man was put out. When they finally arrived, the man showed Lyude to a kind of Parlor to refresh himself and wait.

Fifteen minutes later, King Ladekahn of Diadem himself walked into the room, followed by young pages. Lyude was surprised the King has come to talk with him. In Alfard, someone on a lower rung of the government would have come. But the feeling was nice. It made him feel welcome. He stood and bowed formally. The King nodded to him. "Please sit down, ambassador."

"Thank you." The King took a chair across from Lyude at the small table. The King was wearing heavy robes dyed beautiful bleus and golds. Except for the weight of experience in his eyes, King Ladekahn looked very young; too young for a King. His people loved him dearly.

After an exchange of pleasantries, Lyude decided to bring up the issue of living in the castle. "Sir, I understand I am to live in the castle, but"

"Ah yes, when I learned you were living in Nashira, I had a room prepared for you at once." He gazed down on Lyude's face to see what reaction he would get.

"I greatly appreciate the thought, but, as I am no longer an ambassador, I am by no means worthy to stay and live here." Lyude hoped he would not offend the King. That was the last thing he wanted; he couldn't imagine causing a hurt expression on such a beautiful face. He was surprised the King would even speak to him like this. He didn't deserve such an honor.

"Yes, I know. But, ambassador, you saved my country. If you are going to live here, I want the best provided for you, for you deserve no less." The King beamed. He enjoyed doing things to make people happy.

"Why am I still be addressed with the title ambassador, King Ladekahn? I am more grateful for your offer than you can know, but I don't deserve this kind treatment." Lyude was ruffled. He didn't understand what was happening, and that made him nervous. Ladekahn, however, didn't understand the cause of Lyude's distress, which in turn upset him.

"Of course you deserve what I am offering you! Without you, I would be nothing, my people would be nothing!" His voiced stayed level, but had an edge of urgency. "And you are still referred to as ambassador because the general public does not know their hero. They need a reason for you being here, and ambassador works perfectly." The tone he used was desperate somehow. "In any case, you should stay here."

Once again Lyude was surprised. The choice to stay was still his. "I accept your gracious offer." There still was the matter of Gibari's home to take care of. Lyude couldn't just leave it there after he had promised to take care of it. He told Ladekahn this.

"Gibari, my old friend. How is he? Finally traveling like I told him he should. He has been stuck here too long," Ladekahn mused. "I could arrange for someone else to look after the place, or, you could if you wanted to still."

"I do! But, I'd still like to take care of the place myself… I did promise Gibari after all." Suddenly, Lyude wanted to stay here. He felt comfortable, even more than in Nashira. He fit in better, and felt natural here.

"Then I couldn't keep you from your promise. Stay here as long as you want; you will always be welcome."

"Thank you, my lord." Butterflies beat inside his stomach.

"Well then, I'll show you to your room." King Ladekahn stood and turned to leave. Lyude followed him down the hall. Warm light was shining through the window at an angle. There were only a few hours left till dark.

The room was beautiful. The windows faced out over a cliff. The ocean beat against the foot of a steep hill below the cliff. Wisps of clouds caught on the rocks below. It was a breathtaking sight. In the room itself, a four-poster bed of rosewood matched a velvet and rosewood couch. A bookshelf filled with books and trinkets took up a whole wall. A little arch led to a huge bath. Lyude turned to face Ladekahn. "This is wonderful. I can't thank you enough, my King." His joy brought a Godly expression to Ladekahn's face. The setting sun made his skin and hair sparkle.

That night as Lyude lay in bed, he thought about all that had happened. He wondered if this could really be happening to him, or if it could turn out well since this all came from something so terrible. But at least he was away from them. In truth, Lyude wished he could have a better relationship with his brother. He had given up on Vallye a long time ago, but his brother… he wished he could have a real relationship. He wanted someone to look up to, someone to watch over him. Someday, it could happen. He could wait until then.

A few days later, Lyude had begun to fit into the new routine. He had even started to make a few friends. The people here weren't cold or mean. It was easy for people to see that he was good, despite being from the empire. Even so, he had begun to miss the quaint town feeling of Nashira. He decided he would go and visit today, maybe even spend the night.

First Lyude went to visit Anna and Reblys. Reblys was his old self. Luckily, Lyude was on his good side. When some old folks has eyed Lyude and started calling him names, Reblys had stood up for him, going as far as almost starting a fight. Anna seemed to be the only one who could calm him down. Later that day, Reblys offered to take Lyude fishing. He was surprised to learn that Lyude had never fished before; he was convinced Lyude had been missing out. They made their way down to the Lesser Celestial River, as Reblys said it was a good place for beginners. Only smaller fish bit over there. Lyude laughed at the thought, remembering Kalas' story about the giant fish he had fought there.

On the way to the river, they stopped by Reblys' fishing shack to pick up the "equipment," as Reblys put it. He gave Lyude a basket full of bait and hooks and told Lyude to go on down ahead of him, he'd need to find some suitable poles. Of course he was used to catching much bigger fish. Certainly bigger than Gibari could ever catch…

So for the moment, Lyude was left alone to find where he'd like to sit and fish for the rest of the day. He went down the same path he'd taken the last night he'd been down to the river, when he'd met his savior. Lyude was secretly hoping to see him again. He climbed down to the water, just as he had that night. He stopped and sat down in the same place, and looked up, hoping to see him.

And he was there. The man from before was there, humming the same melody as last time. Lyude went into shock which faded into awe. He tired to call to his savior, but any words he tried to utter stuck fast in his white throat. Even so, the man across the water looked up, most of his face hidden under a cloak. Lyude could still see that he smiled. Just as his savior began to call out, Reblys crashed through the bracken, coming toward Lyude. Lyude turned in distress toward Reblys, then back towards the man—who was gone. Lyude huffed in disappointment and annoyance. Reblys had just ruined his chance to meet his savior. Disappointment rushed through his veins as he turned to Reblys in contempt. "Don't look at me like that, Lyude. It doesn't suit your pretty face. And anyway, I wasn't gone that long." Reblys dismissed the dirty look Lyude gave him and began to set up the fishing poles. He handed one to Lyude, then began to show him how to cast the rod. Lyude gave in to Reblys' good mood, deciding that he would come back later to see if _he_ would come back.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Baten Kaitos

This story got its first review! Thank you, Twisted Saffron 3 to tell the truth, I was getting depressed about this story, and I actually thought I might give it up. But I wont! Cause reviews are what keep me going XD

Lyude sat in front of the fireplace in Gibari's house. He had cooked and eaten the fish he and Reblys had caught earlier. It had been a good day, but just because he had seen his savior. Lyude wondered who it could be, and if they'd ever meet again. At the very least, a glimpse of his face, his beautiful form. Lyude fell asleep thinking about this mysterious man, and had lovely dreams of him.

Lyude awoke in the late morning, feeling better than he had in months. He made his way back to the castle slowly, enjoying the breeze and sun. This was one of the most joyful, happy times he could remember. He was free to be himself without being judged, free to do what he liked, free from expectation. This continued for the next few months; fishing with Reblys, helping Anna at the bar, wandering through the endless passages of the castle. He even began having lunch with King Ladekahn, or just Ladekahn, as he had asked to be called. Lyude found he loved being around Ladekahn. The world seemed brighter and better when he was there. Ladekahn was so strong, and Lyude could feel it even when he was silent. So sure of himself.

Lyude was contemplating this over another lunch with Ladekahn, staring into the swirl of cream and berries in front of him. He sucked on the spoon, thinking of the way Ladekahn seemed so happy when he was eating sweets. "Lyude?" He jumped, almost knocking the crystal glass over.

"Yes?" Ladekahn laughed, almost giggled. The masculine image Lyude had just thought up disappeared. He shot a glare at Ladekahn for ruining his dream.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" Ladekahn played dumb. He giggled some more. Lyude humphed and turned away in mock irritation. Ladekahn broke out into laughter, Lyude soon following suit. "But really, Lyude, my dear ambassador, what was bothering you?" His inquisitiveness made Lyude blush. He could be so innocent despite having gone through so much as a leader.

"It was nothing."

"No way. You must have been thinking about your girlfriend or something. Am I right?" His train of thought completely confused Lyude.

"No, no girlfriend." Lyude frowned. He hadn't thought of this before. Even having a girlfriend was totally foreign.

"I could find you one, if you want. Someone young and prettier even than you." Lyude frowned. This wasn't a good idea at all.

"You don't want one? There's that look again." Ladekahn was pushing him. He had never been like this before. He felt threatened almost. Like he was being pushed to decide something, something important. "I know what it is." Ladekahn stood up and brushed cool fingers against the back of Lyude's neck. Lyude hissed in surprise. "But I wont tell you!" He giggled again and ran out of the room, Lyude hot on his heels. Out in the hall, servants either shook their heads or laughed as they dodged the pair racing down the hall. Ladekahn ran out into the garden. All the flowers were in full bloom; the air smelled heavenly. Panting, Lyude found Ladekahn sitting on a little grassy hill surrounded by wildflowers. It seemed almost out of place in the otherwise perfectly kept garden.

But Ladekahn fit into the flowers like a bird in the sky. Lyude was taken aback by the immense beauty before him. Suddenly he felt out of place and dirty. He seemed too dark for this garden; it was too bright for him. It was pushing him out. Ladekahn saw the flicker of doubt in Lyude's face. It made him look as he had when he first came to Diadem. Hurt and sick, used and broken. An old toy that a child had grown out of, forlorn and lonely. Lyude started to sway in the dizziness of shock. "I…" Lyude turned and ran the way he had come. He ran into the castle, into his room, and closed the curtains tight. He stumbled into the shower and turned on the scolding water, letting it wash over him. He could hear Ladekahn's faint voice. Guilt washed through him. He shouldn't have made that beautiful person worry. But that beautiful person wouldn't be able to understand how dirty Lyude was; he was too pure to understand. Above all else, Lyude couldn't mar that innocence.

Finally, Lyude turned off the water and climbed into bed without drying himself. He lay shivering between the sheets, praying that he wouldn't be found. That was a silly thought, really. No one would bother to look for him anyway.

Maybe it was time to go back to his brother. Even if he was hurt there, he was still acknowledged. Still needed, even if it was for something like that. Lyude's stomach turned at the thought.

Lyude drifted into a fitful sleep. He dreamed a nightmare.

Standing in front of Skeed and Ladekahn. They were discussing something, but Lyude couldn't hear their words. Ladekahn gestured toward Lyude. Both of their gazes focused on him. It dawned on Lyude that his white chest was bare, his wings spread wide. The exposure was embarrassing, but neither of the people in front of him noticed. Lyude's eyes darted around the dark room to find something to cover himself with, but there was nothing there. "I hope he is worth _something_." Ladekahn's musical voice was deep with disgust and regret. "I spent too much time with him, and I don't want it to be all for nothing." Lyude was shocked at the words, and the fact that he was the one being referred to. Ladekahn seemed to be trying to give Lyude to his brother, who wouldn't accept.

"I don't want him anymore. He's all used up. There's nothing else left to enjoy." Lyude ran to his brother's side and pleaded to be taken. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be wanted, no matter what for. Ladekahn left, and then Skeed left. There was nothing but loneliness.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Lyude awoke with a cold sweat on his delicate brow. He rolled over on his side, and then pulled himself out of bed. It was already early in the morning. The sun was just rising above the perpetual swirl of clouds on the horizon. Lyude needed to get away from the embarrassment of yesterday. He thought it would be best to go down and clean Gibari's place. He had gotten so caught up in life at the castle; he didn't seem to have time to go down there anymore. A wave of guilt washed over his fragile conscience.

Later that morning, Lyude walked down by the docks watching small fish dart about in the cold water. He had nothing to do after the rush of cleaning; that therapy hadn't lasted long enough. The thought of seeing Reblys or Anna wasn't appealing either. He wandered down to the Lesser Celestial River, unconsciously hoping to see the mysterious man that had appeared twice before.

There wasn't anyone there. He wandered along the rocks, lost in dark thoughts. Lyude casually wondered what it was like to drown. If his dream came true, and there was nothing left, then his guide named loneliness would lead him to death. It seemed peaceful somehow. But too lonely.

With a start, Lyude realized dusk had settled. Fireflies were fluttering around his head. The glowing was pretty. Weak lights danced on the rocks and water. At the road which leads to Gibari's house, Lyude looked over the water to where his savior might have been. The place was empty, and tonight Lyude would not be saved.

Deciding to make one last stop at the house before going to his room in castle Elnath, Lyude saw that the lights were on inside. He wondered if Gibari was back, and was relieved and nervous at the same time. He wanted to see the comfort of his friend's face, but didn't want Gibari to see his own. Opening the door, Lyude shyly peeked inside, somehow feeling as if he were intruding. No one was there. He walked into the kitchen to put the dishes he had set out to dry away. His thoughts were louder than the too still quiet.

A hand settled on Lyude's waist, lips on the back of his neck. The once-familiar feeling had been absent for so long it felt foreign. "I missed you, Lyude." Skeed's voice broke the silence and into Lyude's thoughts. He relaxed into the arms wrapped around his waist. Painful, but familiar. Lyude turned around in his brother's arms and placed his small hands at the back of his neck, pulling Skeed's lips down to where Lyude could kiss them. Skeed chuckled and pushed open Lyude's soft mouth with his tongue. Familiar and comforting. Dirty. A tear slipped down Lyude's cheek. Skeed pulled away and tenderly wiped it with his thumb. He sighed and gazed down at Lyude's face.

Lyude brought Skeed to the castle, into his room. They weren't noticed in the dark when they snuck in. Right away, Lyude washed his face, undressed, and got into the cool bed. He lay on his side, facing away from Skeed. He still had not spoken one word. His body was heavy with the knowledge of what was coming. Aching with the sick need of it. His skin tingled when he felt the mattress dip with Skeed's weight. He shivered when his brother touched his side, brushing his hand against Lyude's chest, running is down his leg and up the back of his thigh. "Mmn." He flinched when Skeed kissed the back of his neck, then his shoulder. It was so gentle. He ached, eager. Waiting.

Lyude awoke alone in the warm bed. He wondered if last night had been a dream, but the torn feathers and dried blood on the sheets told otherwise. He picked up a mangled feather, twirling it in his fingers. His wrists had a new bruise, deep purple. They had been white for such a long time now. Looking closely, he could see the shadow of former bruises. Shame sat in the bottom of his stomach.

He wondered where Skeed had gone. If he was just staying for that one night, or if he was going to stay for a while. Lyude wondered why he gave in. But he knew he hadn't given in. He had welcomed the pain. For such a long time it had been the only steady, sure part of his life. It had never changed. It was a part of him that wouldn't be left behind. Lyude wished he could leave it to bathe in the sunlight.

Cold water from the shower took too long to heat up. Lyude scrubbed himself and put more salve on his wings. They had been almost completely healed before last night. The burning of the sticky salve was comforting. Pain blocked out the worse realities.

Later that day he found Ladekahn and Skeed talking out in the garden. Ladekahn gave him a hurt and confused look. A wave of guilt washed over Lyude for the way he had treated Ladekahn yesterday, and for keeping so much a secret from the majestic ruler. For some odd reason, Skeed fit into the garden perfectly. The sunlight didn't bother him at all. Lyude quickly walked over to where the two sat, and took a seat in the shade. The wind was warm today. Bees buzzed above them, collecting sugar from the branches heavy-laden with flowers. Birds sang back and forth to their mates. Lyude felt so alone.

"So, this is your brother? I can see the resemblance. Lyude, why didn't you tell me he had arrived? I had no idea." Lyude could tell Ladekahn was still put off from yesterday.

Lyude started to answer, but Skeed cut him off mid-sentence. "Actually, he didn't know I was coming to visit either, my lord. It's just I miss my little brother so much," he ruffled Lyude's hair, "that I had to come and see him." Ladekahn shot a confused look toward Lyude, who had told him a little about the situation a long time ago. Certainly not enough to reveal any secrets, but Ladekahn could tell Lyude had some deep-seated fears from his past, including his brother.

"You are welcome to stay as long as you like. And if you want, I could have a room prepared for you— "

"That's quite alright, I don't want to intrude. I'll be fine staying with Lyude for the time I am here." Skeed gave what looked like a genuine smile. Lyude could sense the protectiveness and jealousy in his eyes. He didn't want to share.

The two began talking again, leaving Lyude out of the conversation; Ladekahn from resentment and Skeed from habit. As a child, Lyude had never mattered to his older siblings. He had been the silent child to the side, never noticed until he broke out in a passion, as he was prone to with things or people he cared about. Lyude excused himself, hardly disrupting the conversation and left. It was much too bright in the sun.

Lyude moped about the rest of the day, mind vacant. He couldn't find something to do, anywhere to be, anywhere he was wanted. In the evening, Skeed found him and asked if he wanted dinner. Lyude said no, but Skeed wanted him to be there anyway, so Lyude agreed. They ate in his room, now their room, in silence. Lyude blankly gazed out the window at the twilight sky and the stars that were beginning to emerge. After a while, Skeed began to talk.

"Ladekahn really seems like such a nice man. You must be careful, Lyude, if you want to stay here much longer. You've overstayed you welcome, but he won't tell you to leave. He's too polite to stoop to that level. But he kept on telling me, no outright, but subtly, to take you with me when I leave. It's a pity you can't come back to Alfard. You always have that shack down in that grungy little village, though, don't you." Lyude turned toward Skeed, worriedly wondering if he had in fact overstayed his welcome. Skeed was always right about these things. He decided to pay more attention to the way Ladekahn acted. "You don't look so well. It must be the air here, so light and breezy." Lyude had liked the air in Diadem, and loved the clouds. He wondered if it really was affecting his health.

Skeed called for the servant to take away the dishes. He and Lyude sat across from each other, Skeed staring at Lyude and Lyude focusing on the grain in the table in front of him. Skeed sighed and rose from the dining chair and walked into the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he came out, hair toweled dry. He wore nothing but an open bathrobe. He sat in an overstuffed chair beside the bed. Lyude refused to make eye contact or even look at his brother.

"Lyude." That one word from his brother's lips was all that was needed to melt the apprehension Lyude felt twisting in the pit of his stomach. He didn't want to do what was expected, but he couldn't not, or so he thought. And when he turned and looked at his brother, sitting there impatiently, his resolve broke, just like his spirit had so many years before.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Baten Kaitos or any of the characters.

A thin gleam of sweat shone on Lyude's skin as he knelt, naked, in front of his brother's open legs. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth, letting the hand on the nape of his neck guide him. Lips closed around heat, and he heard a hiss of pleasure that wasn't his own. He sucked and moved, back and forth. Eyes tightly shut. The hand pushed him faster, heat going deeper into his throat. Fingers tangled in his hair, and he tasted the liquid heat, bitter and salty. He swallowed it.

Night after night continued like this. Hot, sweaty, rough. It satisfied, if only for a moment, the loneliness. And more than that, it took him away from the dark world. Lyude only wore long sleeved shirts and pants despite the weather, knowing he could never explain the layers of bruises on his pale body. And he avoided Ladekahn at all costs. He feared being seen like this. How he truly was.

Of course, Lyude couldn't stay hidden forever. Eventually Ladekahn cornered him into a lunch like the ones they used to share. That had stopped weeks ago, when Lyude began to spend every waking moment with Skeed. It had annoyed Ladekahn to say the least. But finally he had gotten some alone time with the ambassador.

What Ladekahn saw of Lyude worried him. The boy was a deathly pale, cheeks hollowed and eyes dark. He didn't speak if he wasn't spoken to, didn't look around him, and didn't take interest in anything. Ladekahn knew this had something to do with the appearance of Skeed, but he couldn't place his finger on exactly what was wrong. He intended to find out.

"Lyude, what exactly is your relationship with your brother?" Ladekahn tried to sound as carefree as possible, trying to sound like it didn't really matter. When Lyude looked around the room shiftily, careful to not look in his direction, Ladekahn knew for sure something was wrong.

"How do you mean, sire?" Ladekahn also noticed that Lyude had switched back to the formal way of addressing him despite constant reminders that it was okay to call him Ladekahn.

"I mean…!" Ladekahn turned and embraced Lyude suddenly in the arch of the balcony on which they stood. "I'm so worried about you, Lyude. Something's wrong, and I can't figure out what it is. You're so sad, and it's breaking my heart," Ladekahn stated desperately, trying to get Lyude to open up. Lyude, however, just stood limply in his arms.

A door opened behind them, and Ladekahn turned to see a bemused Skeed looking on with raised eyebrows. The interruption enraged Ladekahn. He glided across the floor, pushed past Skeed, and continued into the hallway.

"Skeed, come with me. We need to talk." Skeed shrugged, unfazed, and turned to look at Lyude once before following the command. A look of startled terror occupied the thin face.

Ladekahn slammed the door after Skeed walked in calmly behind him. Immediately he began to pace the room.

"What have you done to Lyude?" Ladekahn's eyes flashed with anger.

"So you do care about him, then. I saw you holding him. Doesn't his hair feel nice when it brushes against your cheek?" Skeed smiled, defiant, not answering the question but raising more instead. It infuriated Ladekahn.

"Answer me. Now." Ladekahn abruptly stopped his pacing in front of Skeed. He stood menacingly over the other, intending to scare him into submission. Skeed only smiled in a half-mad way.

"No." Ladekahn hadn't fazed him in the least.

"Godammit, tell me!" He slammed Skeed into the wall, head contacting stone with a loud crack. A trickle of blood ran down the back of his neck, but the crazed smile held.

"Don't you dare think I hurt Lyude. I only do what is best for him, what he wants and needs. He is so lonely, all the time. No one wants him. No one has ever wanted him. So I, caring brother that I am, fill the loneliness in his heart.

That space in him isn't only loneliness; it is also shame. He almost ruined our family name. Even before then, he wasn't like us. He desires, more than anything, to repent for his sins. And I allow him to do that."

Ladekahn was shocked by Skeed's words. He had known little of why Lyude acted as he did when he first arrived in Diadem. But the sadness faded after a while, or so Ladekahn thought. He wondered how deep Skeed had delved to uncover these fears and guilts Lyude had buried.

"You, sire, cannot give him what he most wants. No matter how much you want him, he will never want you. It disgusts me, the way you beg with you every action for him. He wants only me. All he will ever see is me." Now Skeed was angry. His jealousy was surfacing once more. He did not share his things.

Ladekahn's voice was barely a whisper. "What do you… _do_ to him?" Skeed's smile broadened and he shivered in remembrance.

"I use him. I take advantage of him. I make him scream my name, over and over and over again. Did you know? He loves it best when I tie him down and push myself into him and tear his feathers from his wings. _That_ is what sends him over the edge." Ladekahn was horrified by the answer. His stomach lurched before his fury rose.

"You will leave this place and you will never return. You will never see Lyude again."

That evening, Skeed was escorted to the docks where he would take a ship back to Alfard, just as King Ladekahn had commanded. Ladekahn was there to make sure he did in fact leave. The man could not be trusted. Although Lyude had not heard the fight, he found out through word of mouth that his brother was leaving. He rushed down to the dock just in time; his brother was stepping onto this ship.

"Skeed!" Lyude rushed down into his brother's arms as Ladekahn watched in horror. Before leaning down to passionately kiss Lyude, Skeed smirked at Ladekahn. He couldn't do anything to stop it. And worse, Lyude submissively complied.

Tears ran down Lyude's cheeks. He hated his brother, but loved him so, so much in a twisted, lustful, sinful way. A dirty way. Skeed had always told him that he wouldn't be able to survive alone, that he needed someone. And that someone could only be his brother. Lyude believed this, already feeling as if her were spiraling down into an abyss.

As Skeed broke the kiss, Lyude fainted. Skeed let him collapse to the ground, turning and walking into the ship, door closing behind him, not looking back once.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Chapter 7

The first thing Lyude saw when he opened his eyes was the worried expression on Ladekahn's face. The expression didn't take away from his beauty. He seemed to be glowing, but then Lyude realized morning light was coming in through the open window. Lyude wondered why Ladekahn was there, watching him so intently. It didn't make sense…

Until he remembered last evening. Ladekahn had sent Skeed away, and he didn't understand why. Skeed hadn't done anything to offend Ladekahn, nothing at all. Lyude desperately searched for a reason why Skeed might be gone, but nothing came to mind. Suddenly, Lyude felt a million miles from everything. The one person who knew him, all of him, wasn't there anymore. Loneliness ensued. Tears came to Lyude's eyes, spilling down slowly as this realization came over him. The only reason Skeed was gone was him. Who else could be to blame? He had done something, and he hadn't even realized it.

A hand brushed tears from his cheek, and the small action brought Lyude back to the present. He stared into Ladekahn's face, gentle but worried.

"Are you alright, Lyude?" He shook his head no. Nothing was right now. He had accidentally slipped up and made a mess of things. The answer disturbed Ladekahn. "What's wrong?"

"Skeed is gone. He's left. Now there isn't anyone."

"But, Lyude, now I'm here for you. I'm right here." Ladekahn lifted his chin to look into his face as if to show he was serious. Lyude gave a hysterical giggle.

"I hate when people lie to me. You, of all people, couldn't be here for me. No one has ever been there for me, except for Skeed. Just like he said. And now he isn't even here."

"Don't you dare believe what that snake told you," Ladekahn maliciously whispered. "I _am_ here for you." Lyude tried to turn his face from Ladekahn, but the king held it in place, eyes boring into the others. "He wasn't there for you. He used you. It must have been so many times, now. For years. I know why he was here. He wanted your body and your soul. He wanted to take it away from you." Confusion colored Lyude's eyes. "I know what he did to you, at night when you thought no one would know. The evidence is right here," Ladekahn said, lifting Lyude's wrist into the light as if he wanted Lyude to see the damage. "And your soul… I'm surprised you are alive. You only have the bones of your wings left." That was when Lyude noticed that his wings were spread. It was a gruesome sight. Bloody, raw wounds covered them. Bones poked through in places. There weren't anymore feathers. Skeed had taken them all.

Shame washed through Lyude. Someone had seen his secret. Someone had seen him, who he actually was. There wasn't a facade any longer.

"How could you let this happen to yourself? How could _I_ let this happen?" Lyude began to shake under Ladekahn's words. His cheeks were flushed a bright rose.

"Don't… don't look at me!" Lyude wrenched his face away, hiding it in the pillows.

"You can't hide. I see you. All of you." Lyude shot of the bed, so fast that Ladekahn grasped air when he tried to stop the fleeing boy. Ladekahn ran into the hall, but all he could hear was the sound of footsteps. Lyude was nowhere in sight, and searching accomplished nothing. He understood he had gone too far with his ambassador; pushed too much, let him know he knew too much. He had ruined his chance to be comforting. And worse, he had lied. He hadn't been there for Lyude. He had accused, embarrassed, and broken him.

Lyude ran blindly down the streets of Nashira. The morning had already been too much. Unconsciously, he made his way down to the river, collapsing on the bank. He let the emotion burst forth; the agony, pain, shame, anger—he screamed at nothingness, and kept screaming until he ran out of air and voice and thoughts and strength. He lay there, unable to move or think. Pressure of air pressed on his chest, inhibiting breathing, making it come in ragged gasps. He lay, looking at the empty sky.

It was evening again, and Ladekahn still had not found Lyude. The castle had been turned upside down, soldiers had been sent on the strange mission to fine the ambassador, but all to no avail. Hope was seeping from Ladekahn as sand in an hourglass. It was only a matter of time before he would not be able to fine Lyude, and he could feel the time slipping so quickly away. And then he had an insight: Lyude would be at the river where he had gone so many times before he came to live at Elnath. Ladekahn was sure that was where he would fine his ambassador.

By the time pinpricks of light became bright in the dark sky, Lyude had gathered enough strength to lift himself off the ground. His mind was still, recovering from the torture it had undergone. Everything was clear, albeit dirty still. Lyude looked at the swirling water and wondered if it could wash everything away, and make it clean. He wondered if he would be clean in death. It seemed likely; in death, he was unknown. No one could judge him, and he wouldn't be able to judge himself. It called to him, welcomed him, in a way nothing had before. The swirling water called to him from the depths.

The water was colder and more turbulent that Lyude had imagined. It only lasted for a second, though, until he reached the bottom of the river. It was still there. Dark and peaceful. Lyude could see the bubbles of his life floating to the surface of the water. It was nice to be in control, just this one last time. His mind started to fade into blackness. There was no panic or regret; only relief. It came in waves, now, the relief washed over him and then subsided into nothing. The lengths of nothing became longer, the relief shorter, until there was finally nothing. Emptiness. And in that emptiness, Lyude was complete.

Ladekahn arrived at Celestial River in time to hear a splash. He pushed his way through the bushes, branches tearing at his cloak and holding him back. He stood on the bank, watching for some sign of Lyude, wishing and hoping that the splash he heard was conjured up by his own frantic mind. Suddenly, something red and white flashed in the black depths. Without hesitation Ladekahn dove into the freezing water, grasping blindly for the boy he thought he had seen. The current was tugging at him, holding him to the stony bottom. Then his hand came to rest on a delicate face, still in the water. He felt his way down to the shoulders and waist, grabbing on and pushing up to the surface with all his strength. It took what seemed too long to get to the surface, and Ladekahn drew a ragged breath when he did finally reach it. There was no breath drawn by the boy in his arms.

Struggling to the bank, Ladekahn set Lyude on the bank. The boy wasn't breathing or moving. Ladekahn frantically pushed on Lyude's chest, pushing the water out and air in. He breathed into his mouth hoping the lungs would begin to sate their hunger. They did not. Ladekahn felt for a pulse; faint, but it was there. Keeping his fingers on the boy's neck, feeling the slow, dragging beats, Ladekahn continued his attempt to make Lyude breathe a breath of life.

The pulse became steadily weaker, until it wasn't there at all. Ladekahn wouldn't believe it, couldn't. But the half-lidded eyes were blank and glassy. Lips were parted slightly, curved up at the corners. Loneliness began to engorge itself from the inside, hollowing out Ladekahn's soul and breaking his heart. He had given Lyude what the boy had needed all those years; he had filled the emptiness and taken it for his own. He lay weeping over Lyude, but then raised his head to kiss the cold lips, giving the last of himself. Ladekahn would never forget the broken spirit of the body that lay in his arms.

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fin


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